1. I’m Sorry You Lost
What are we, four-year-olds? I’m sorry. I didn’t know we were playing a game of Monopoly or Uno. Let me translate. “I’m sorry you lost” actually means ”We won!”
Question: You have a nice song to go along with that too? If not, my son can hook you up. He’s a first-grader with a whole playlist of nursery rhyme-y ditties. We won, we won, we shot the BB gun. You lost, lost, you ate tomato sauce. Sigh.
2. He’s Not My President
Well, actually, he is. Our system and political process say so. You can’t close your eyes and drift off into Neverland. Because when you open them President Trump will still reside at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. That’s like saying your Republican State Representative or Senator doesn’t represent you. By definition, they do. That is, if you actually could name your State Representative or Senator.
3. Get Over It
But it took you eight years to get over Obama. Can people have at least eight weeks before you hit them with the “Get Over It”?
You tell people to get over not getting a side of barbecue sauce with Chick-Fil-A nuggets, not an official elected as Leader of the Free World. If people gave you space to share thoughts on Obama’s presidency, you might want to extend the same courtesy.
4. I’m Moving to Canada
You ain’t going nowhere. You were going to move to Canada when the Patriots last won the Super Bowl too. And you’re still here. As American as you’ve ever been. Besides, Canadian bacon isn’t even as good as American bacon. Our pigs are superior.